Kay,the visual details in the upper verse is really impressive. However, I find the lower one a little telly. It leaves little room for the reader to ponder.Just a thought.Chen-ou
Thanks for stirring my mind, Chen-ou! The ebb and flow of critique is so good for writers.:o) ~Kay
Kay, the revision is much better. I like it very much.Chen-ou
I didn't see the original but this is very moving. You have so obviously observed these things first-hand and with great attention. Stunned, an old woman writer once asked the 30 year-old Anne Sexton regarding her poem "Old", "How could you know?". I think with Sexton you could respond just as assuredly: "I know."