"packing dermis of graytomorrows"Great lines.How about the following the revision:elephants don't forgettheir trunkswhen they movepacking dermis of graytomorrowsGrandma's park had an elephant slideI won't forget(Ls 1&2 are resonant with Ls 7&8)Just a thought.I like the theme explored in your poem.Chen-ou
Thank you, Chen-ou. I appreciate your edits. I'll review them again tomorrow. I have tapped out my brain on a couple poems I want to forget! LOL. :o) I'm glad you liked lines 5&6. They kind of tickled me pink.Have a great evening!~Kay
Good morning! I do like the rhythm and feel much better with your suggestions. Thank you, Chen-ou.It's always good to have another pair of eyes.~Kay
How did I miss this? Hilarious word-play! Do you do this around the kids?
Brian, my babble around the kids is never polished... and their eyes glaze after the minimum word count. LOL!
"packing dermis of gray
ReplyDeletetomorrows"
Great lines.
How about the following the revision:
elephants don't forget
their trunks
when they move
packing dermis of gray
tomorrows
Grandma's park had
an elephant slide
I won't forget
(Ls 1&2 are resonant with Ls 7&8)
Just a thought.
I like the theme explored in your poem.
Chen-ou
Thank you, Chen-ou. I appreciate your edits. I'll review them again tomorrow. I have tapped out my brain on a couple poems I want to forget! LOL. :o) I'm glad you liked lines 5&6. They kind of tickled me pink.
ReplyDeleteHave a great evening!
~Kay
Good morning! I do like the rhythm and feel much better with your suggestions. Thank you, Chen-ou.
ReplyDeleteIt's always good to have another pair of eyes.
~Kay
How did I miss this? Hilarious word-play! Do you do this around the kids?
ReplyDeleteBrian, my babble around the kids is never polished... and their eyes glaze after the minimum word count. LOL!
ReplyDelete