you took her
as property listed
with your asses
poor concubine
a generic label
same ingredients:
your fattened shaft
and increased assets
to Kindly's house
you went
men came
they wanted you
but Kindly bartered
his virgin daughter
and your concubine
fodder on the block
the men didn't shake
and just for that
tit for tat
concubine was flung
they took her--
ravaged, she crawled
her hands clamped
the threshold
matrimony's entrance
no one answered
upon your exit
you bid her rise
without chivalry
blind to her bleeding vaults
precious blood spilled
for your ass
you butchered her
re-gifted her, territorially
if you were a man
you wouldn't have
you would have given
your own sorry ass
I don't think this needs revision at all. It's righteously angry, beautifully written, and damning.
ReplyDelete(Private (joke) aside to Kay: Exactly why CAN'T I own a Canadian?)
“devoid of humanity
ReplyDeletestripped of life”
A little abstract.
How about integrating the following two stanzas into one?
“they took her--
ravaged, she crawled
devoid of humanity
stripped of life
her hands clamped
the threshold
matrimony's entrance
no one answered”
The biblical allusion adds emotional weight and religious significance to the poem.
This tragically violent incident recorded in Judges 19-21 triggered the Battle of Gibeah, which is considered as the first Israelite Civil War. The members of Tribe of Benjamin were systematically killed.
Chen-ou
Thank you, Brian. LOL. Are they neighborly???
ReplyDeleteChen-ou, thanks for your careful read. I don't know if I want to combine the stanzas, but let me review those lines. I think the abstractness comes from the fact that women weren't considered as people, in my humble opinion, hence "devoid of humanity." Would it help for me to add the word "and" before "stripped of life?"
~Kay
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"I think the abstractness comes from the fact that women weren't considered as people, in my humble opinion, hence "devoid of humanity."
ReplyDeleteYes, you're right. However, unlike the rest of the poem, these two lines read like authorial comments. In my view, a description of her act is powerful enough. Just some thoughts.
Chen-ou
Ah, I think I understand. Ok, here goes the revision. Let me know if it works. :o)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your edits! Appreciate them.
~Kay
"they took her--
ReplyDeleteravaged, she crawled"
Kay, these two one-line stanzas stand out and leave the reader with much to ponder.
Chen-ou
That's where we will leave it, then. Thanks again.
ReplyDelete~Kay